I’ve
Got a Big What?
It
is not difficult to confuse the two qualities of Ego and Self-Esteem. Both refer to the value we hold on
ourselves. However, I would say to you
that they are polar opposites. How can
this be? We may have been told for years
that our Ego IS our sense of self and to have a big one allows us to get
through life without becoming someone else’s doormat. But when it comes to the Spiritual life, we
learn that the ego is something that we must give up. “How can we do that?” you ask. The important thing in losing the ego, is to
remember that we are all part of the One—the Unity of all things, the
Universe.
In that
regard, we could ask if one muscle cell of our own bodies has a right to feel
superior over another muscle cell. Does
it sound ludicrous? It should. In fact, if the cells of our bodies operated
in that manner, we would certainly not function very well. Considering the state of international
affairs on our beloved planet, I would say the Universe is having a great deal
of difficulty operating because of the discord amongst the cells of its body. And why is that? Because there are a great number of players,
all with tremendously huge egos, all trying to prove by way of force, that they
are right. And the need of being right
is the single most powerful aspect of the Ego.
People who are abusive to others have to be right; people who gossip
about others do so because they are right and someone else is wrong; people in the
office who slander us do so to make us look wrong, etc.
Now
you would think that the Ego, having all of this power to wield, would be
pretty healthy. The truth is, the Ego is
the most unhealthy part of the human psyche. It is responsible for more heartache and more
violence than anything else in the world.
The price being so high, why bother building up our egos? And what makes us want to build up the ego
anyway? Here we have the rest of the
story: if someone has a big ego, more
than likely they have very low self-esteem.
And here we have the contrast between the two.
The Ego
requires validation, praise, proof from outside itself that it is good, valid,
worthy, loved, etc. Self-esteem, on the
other hand, is an internal thing. For
example, Genesis 1:3-4 says, “And the Creator said, Let there be light: and there was light. And the Creator saw the light, that it was
good.” There wasn’t anyone around to pat
the Creator on the back and say, “attah boy!”
The result was judged by an inner standard. And that’s what we have to do with
ourselves—develop an inner standard of whether anything we do is valid or
worthy. We have to learn to praise
ourselves, to know if we’re good without someone else telling us so, or
complimenting us, or telling us we’re loved.
The Creator loves us! What need
should we have of another human to tell us we’re loved? Okay, score one there—yes, we need
companionship. We were created that
way. But we should be able to feel okay
in our own skin, without someone else having to make us feel happy, loved,
worthy, successful, and so forth.
It’s
not so much a flaw if you don’t feel those things,
rather it is something to strive for.
95% of all families in the
Well,
welcome to the world of Spirituality, because, here, it just ain’t so. Here, we
acknowledge the worth of ourselves, without so much as acknowledging our
talents, appearance, money, clothing—all of the external things that we
erroneously believe to make up who we are.
In Spirituality, we take the person, as if he or she were a newborn
child, and we accept that person as such, as being valid, valuable, worthy,
complete and good, just as he or she is. We ignore the mistakes and allow everyone a
fresh start, encouraging him or her to feel that this is so, as well. This
is self-esteem.
There
is no need to distinguish between being right or wrong. Everyone has the right to his or her
opinion. Everyone has the right to make
their own choices. Everyone has the
right to make mistakes without it being shoved up his or her nose. This kind of understanding encourages
honesty, acceptance, and unconditional love.
In Spirituality, this is what we strive for. Each person is given life through a spark of
the Creator. It is therefore, each
person’s birthright to be treated with equality, dignity, respect, and
unconditional love.
Certainly,
not everyone has this mindset. Obviously
there are many finger-pointers in this world.
There are many who wish to blame their problems on others. There are many who continue to look for the
scapegoat. There are even those who are
willing to die or kill others for believing differently than they do. It is this kind of person we want to touch
with our hearts, to let them know that this is not necessary. We all have that divine spark within us. It is not easy, but as Jesus was fond of
saying, “Love thy enemies.” Regardless
of how you view Jesus, his teachings embraced wisdom. So I would reiterate, “Love thy
enemies.” Pray for them to be healed, to
embrace higher consciousness, to let go of their Egos and to have the strength
of self-esteem to be able to meet each one of us in Spiritual love.
How do
we know that we are expressing our ego rather than our self-esteem? We get our noses out of joint, we see things
in black and white, we have to be right, right,
right! The ego encourages us to be angry
over every little thing, to keep up with the Joneses, to never do anything that
would make us appear separate from the crowd or have an independent thought. We continually ask for validation from those
around us. In short, we re-act to everything that goes on in our
lives. We don’t think about the
situations in which we find ourselves, rather, we jump and jerk and blow our
fuses. We are always making dividers among people in our own minds. This
doesn’t make for a comfortable or happy life.
In fact, we will never be happy with ourselves or with others.
What,
then, can we do, to limit the ego and act out of self-esteem? First, we must accept the inherent good in
ourselves, love the self enough to let go the ego. Let go of the idea that we need to have
someone outside of us to validate who we are.
If we are not okay in our own skin, then our self-esteem needs to be
shored up. No one can do this for
us. We have to do it for ourselves.
We need
to stop reacting to the things that go on around us and become an act-or.
I’m not, of course, suggesting that we begin drama school. I intend to say that when something happens
in our lives, rather giving a knee-jerk reaction, we take a step back, take in
a deep breath, and think about what has happened. We need to examine our feelings about the
event, and then act in an appropriate
fashion. Perhaps the appropriate
behaviour is to assert our needs, expressing in a healthy way what we can or
cannot do, how something fits into our schedules, what we are willing to
tolerate and what we cannot tolerate.
We do
not have to react with anger, hurt, jealousy, and a host of negative
emotions. We do not have to blame others
and suggest that they make us feel a
certain way. No one can make us feel a certain way or do a
certain thing. The way that we feel and
behave is a choice, if we are acting out of self-esteem and not the ego. So with all things that happen in our lives,
we need to allow ourselves the time to think about the event, rather than just blowing our cool, so to speak. We need to think about how an event affects
our lives. Then we can take action that
will provide us with the best possible outcome.
After all, what does shouting, stomping our feet, hitting walls and
throwing temper tantrums accomplish?
What does running and hiding accomplish?
What does crying and feeling hurt accomplish? What does vowing to get even accomplish? What does constantly needing to be told that
we are a good person accomplish? All of
these things are a choice and generally, when we do them, we feel bad. They are reactions that come from the
ego. So we can conclude that our
negative emotions, feeling angry, hurt, jealous, less than worthy and so forth,
are all a product of the ego. And when
we allow ourselves to feel them, our self-esteem goes through the floor. So it is the ego, not another person, that makes
us feel bad.
How do
we build our self-esteem? Generally
speaking, it is an attitude or belief about who we are
that creates good self-esteem. We are each a receptor of a spark of the
Divine. We have a piece of the Creator
within us. Is that not enough to inspire
awe for what each of us has? And if we
add to that all of the talents and abilities and personal qualities that each
of us has, why are we not bursting with amazement and love for who we are? Even the person who lives on the street and
has to depend upon others for his basic needs is a worthy vessel for the
Creator. Our life circumstances aside,
our struggles aside, our history aside, we are all a worthy vessel for the
Creator. And that makes each one of us an amazing creation. That
makes each one of us valuable, respectable, lovable and perfect. And we need to begin to see ourselves in this
way. This is our birthright.
When
you know this Truth in your heart of hearts, you no longer have to have
external validation. You don’t have to
look at people as winners and losers.
You don’t have to be right about everything. You don’t have to re-act to everything in your life.
You don’t have to feel inferior or superior to others. You can accept that you are a good person and
that others are good people, too, in spite of what they believe,
their opinions, their behaviour and their attempts to make you feel less than
you are. You can accept them and you can
extend unconditional love to them. And
when you can extend unconditional love to everyone around you, you are
expressing that spark of the Creator that exists within you.
May you
be richly blessed.